#like how am I supposed to function normally now 😭😭😭

[nastasya--filippovna]

You're telling me....

This babygirl

Is also this HIMBO

EDIT!!!! HELP. I just remembered he's also the gay ass king from Hamilton AND Smith in the new Matrix movie! Like HOW TF DID I NOT RECOGNIZE HIM?!?!?!?

[storiumemporium]

Astarion As a Father

Fem!Tav/Reader

I FINALLY GOT A NEW KEYBOARD WITH FULLY FUNCTIONING KEYS LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I elected to write about something that's been giving me brainworms for ages, because I'd been talking about it with someone on here awhile ago and it just infested me. Astarion finding out you're pregnant and how he handles fatherhood. (Or, in this case, doesn't at first.) This isn't my best work but I blame it on the fact that I didn't intend for it to be THIS FUCKING LONG okay 😭

But without further ado, daddy Astarion:

Finding out:

When it comes to children, I think Astarion hasn't put much thought into it beyond 'me!? ABSOLUTELY NOT—'

He has no illusions about his state of mind and his faculties, you see. Astarion knows that he's fucked up, he knows that he's a problem, and he's only entirely too confident that any child unfortunately put under his care would likely end up just as damaged as he is, were they to miraculously make it to adulthood. He's just not equipped for it.

And, frankly, Astarion isn't even aware he can have children... That's just, not something he ever thought to question. He's undead, is he not? That should take care of the...fertility question.

Shouldn't it?

Truth be told, Cazador never told him of the possibilities because it was never meant to be a possibility. Astarion was too malnourished, his victims too short lived for anything to ever have come of it. He was supposed to die a sacrifice, not live to carry his own bloodline (hah) onward.

Were you to ever ask him about it, even jokingly over dinner one eve, he'd be very firm in the fact that it's a terrible idea and he'd be entirely unequipped. He would even go so far as to say he's the worst choice out of all of your past companions.

"Me? No. Absolutely not. I'm sure whatever little devil you managed to cook up would be the most charming child Baldur's Gate has ever seen... But even that magical explosive that fancied himself a God would be better suited to fatherhood, darling. I am built for luxury and adventure, nothing else." All bookended by typical Astarion preening.

So when the day comes and you inform him of the little life growing in your womb?

Nope. Not happening, not even a chance of happening.

The denial is strong with this one.

And when I say denial, I mean that Astarion well and truly blots out what you've said from his mind, as if it simply didn't happen at all. You never had the conversation, you never dropped the revelation, there is no child, he is not becoming a father.

It's not a lack of want— though he doesn't realize that yet— it's true, blinding terror. Before it was just a joke, just something for him to brush off with commentary about how terribly he'd do as a parent, better the uncle than anything else. But now it's a reality and to accept what you've said is to accept that he might well and truly destroy a child. But not just any, yours.

The traumas Astarion possesses heap onto his shoulders and slough off plentiful enough to make new oceans of it. Now, not only is he just beginning to regain his own autonomy, he's supposedly being given responsibility over a brand new life?

(It would only make sense for Astarion in retrospect, that the life you willingly sacrificed to nourish and nurture him would in turn allow him to grow a new life within you. The fool had just been too blind to consider it: The way, fresh off your blood, he could pull back from the delicate column of your throat and you would find his cheeks and ears and chest flushed with the loveliest shade of pink, eyes wide and soft and alive. The way his entire body would warm, going from corpse frigid to something just beneath normal. The way his once-still heart would slowly beat again.

He'd even asked you once- curled together on a familiar silken bed, foreheads touching and your hands clasped together between your chests- if you knew what it felt like to be so, so hungry that all you could even think about was about badly you wanted to eat? How food sounded so good that the desire became crossed and instead felt even more painful and nauseating? How it consumed your ability to make rational decisions, denied you the capacity to control your emotions?

He'd told you then, voice tender and timid and weak, that he'd felt like that every single day for two whole centuries, until the night you'd willingly laid down on that cot and put your life in his hands.

It was so simple really, of course you granted him the strength to create life. It was you.)

And of course it comes to a head before there is any chance at recovery. Your body begins to show the changes, you begin to swell, and Astarion only grows more avoidant and flighty. Because now he can't simply wipe the idea from his mind and continue on as if the child doesn't exist, the proof is there every single time he looks at you. He makes it very clear to you that he will not be returning to your side without a confrontation, a very potentially ugly one at that.

And ugly it is, explosive. Astarion hasn't truly had the time to recover from his life under Cazador, and all of those protective traits he grew remain sharp as ever, returning to the surface as if they'd never truly gone away to begin with. He sneers and hisses, tries his best to dig in and hurt you enough to stop poking his tender wounds. Enough to push you away so he can lick his wounds back open. He'll go so far as to accuse you of infidelity, though he regrets the words the moment they leave his lips, it's easier for him to imagine that you simply grew tired of him, that you were weary and longed for the daylight. That you wanted someone who could hold you beneath the sun, unlike him.

How you respond to this is entirely up to you, but just shy of throwing something truly despicable back into his face, such as Cazador, Astarion will apologize... eventually. If you remain stalwart and patient, if you have it in you to recognize that he doesn't mean his words, that he's barbing you with intent, Astarion will break down in that very same argument, his angry and accusatory rant will dissolve into an admission of deep insecurity and deeper terror.

But if you respond with anger? Justifiable, and Astarion knows that even in the moment as it's happening, but emotions rule him far more than he'd ever care to admit, and he will dig in and relish the reaction he's managed to draw from you. He will bristle and bite back until suspicion and bitterness fully claims his heart, and he aborts the conversation to hide in the shadows.

Astarion will wait until nightfall, until his freedom calls for him. The one thing that always manages to clear his head, even when you prove to be the cause of his muddying. It's a reminder, every time he steps into the cool and dark of Baldur's Gate, that Cazador is dead and he is a free man. That he can go where he chooses and when he chooses to, and not only that no one can stop him, but that you wouldn't even want to stop him.

And that truth is always what brings Astarion home.

Under the distant lonely stars and that cold moon, he has to remember that time and again you have let him. You have accepted him, you have not fought him on anything shy of a horrible mistake he wanted to make in a moment of weakness and hysteria. You have accepted all his deepest and ugliest wounds and kissed them like they were freckles to pour affection on. You fought Cazador for him, you defended him from your own friends. You even- at times- tested your own morals for him.

You wouldn't betray him, and Astarion knows he can't betray you.

Astarion would return to you late, curling into bed at your side, his eyes would not meet you, and his apology would come in the form of a simple confession. "I am... afraid. I am afraid."

Astarion wouldn't blame you if you don't forgive him immediately for his transgressions, he was cruel and you were vulnerable. But even then you'll find that your love doesn't abandon you again. He accepts- however frightened- that what you've said is true and is coming, and he must accept it. Mind you, it won't be perfect and it won't be romantic. Astarion doesn't know the intricacies of handling a pregnant woman, he's hardly tactful beyond his well honed and flirtatious lines. He genuinely loves you, but he's going to come pre-equipped as father material.

You need something? He'll get it with minimal complaint (but never none, you'd sooner get him to dye his hair black than cease complaining for the sake of it), he won't begrudge you your mood swings though he might be inclined to poke fun at you ever so often. And he will panic when you burst into tears for seemingly no reason, and no- time doesn't make him adjust, he will panic just as much the thousandth time as the first.

However, if it's any consolation. The moment your child enters the world, Astarion is a changed man.

When You Go Into Labor:

Astarion did the honors of informing all of your friends about your pregnancy, once he came to terms with it. And believe me when I say it is extravagant. The stationery and grandiose script that Astarion wields when informing everyone that you were expecting better fits a wedding invitation than it does... well. Very elegantly explaining that Astarion had accidentally knocked you up.

You can tell from the splotchy stains addressed to you from Wyll and Karlach that one of them had been crying when penning the message, Astarion has coin on Wyll, and you on Karlach. Lae'zel never responds to begin with and you know for a fact the Githyanki's response will likely come in the form of her simply showing up one of these days, unprompted. Jaheira personally and rather frequently visits as well, she becomes a sort of bastion as nerves take you over, confident and calm as she is. Halsin's "letter" arrives late, rather because alongside his letter is several little carved animals for the child's room, and mentions of a quilt he intends to bring along when next he visits. Shadowheart's letter, while congratulatory, contains an air of interrogation strung all about it, all aimed with pinpoint precision at the man responsible for your pregnancy and dripping with sarcasm.

Gale's letter is seven pages long, comes with a violet hued wax stamp, and multiple different inks in the most lavish hand he can manage. You daresay he's competing with Astarion. However, surprisingly, Gale's seems to be the most... helpful of them all? It wasn't your intent, you simply wanted your dear friend to join you in celebration, and yet Gale goes on to inform you that upon reading the letter he'd become a madman in pursuit of knowledge on pregnancy and giving birth. He admits that this wasn't a particularly fruitful endeavor, as he's rather confident that you're not a gnoll, troll, cambion, succubus, or any other variety of strange creature with strange metrics of procreation. Still, Gale directs the latter portion of his letter to Astarion quite pointedly, informing him of bookshops around Baldur's Gate where he might have more success.

Astarion scoffs, but you don't miss the way his fingers twitch and flex.

After the hilarity of this is resolved and you just begin to believe that peace might return to your soft little home in the city, the first of your companions begin to arrive.

This continues on for the next week or so, without you ever knowing that this had been planned- and without knowing that Astarion had been the one to plan it. It's a furthering of his apology, of his guilt over the way he'd treated you. Again, Astarion has no illusions of the kind of man he is, and the fact he's not nurturing in the sort of ways that you need- but he's not completely stupid and he knows you're scared. So... bring the cavalry, darling.

Eventually your entire home has become a crash pad for all of your dearest friends, your family, and you only grow suspicious of Astarion's hand in this chaos because he's surprisingly amicable to having his peace so thoroughly disturbed by 'everyone and their mother'. Truly, he manages to bite his tongue some of the time about them trampling his fine rugs and scratching the plates. He even seems... wistful about it. As nostalgic as you openly are at seeing all of these beloved people under one roof again.

Nights are filled with raucous laughter, clattering utensils, a table so thoroughly overcrowded that people are playfully shouldering each other out of the way for a chance to get at their own food. And Astarion stays faithful at your side, his hand perpetually clasped gently around yours, thumb rubbing over your knuckles. Days are never spent alone, no matter what it is you need to do, someone (if not everyone) is following you along. And though Astarion feels his heart ache that he can't join you, he'll be glad to know you're safe.

Besides, your companions are likely all taking turns tormenting, testing, and relentlessly teasing him about what is to come. He has his own hands full. He's starting to regret being such a generous lover.

And then your water breaks in the dead of night.

Remember how I said Astarion was far from perfect? This would be one of those moments that it really shines.

Not that he's particularly terrible, no. He's not actively cruel toward you, and certainly not dismissive, it's somewhat the opposite. Halsin and Jaheira end up the ones helping you, the only two with some iota of understanding on what was happening and what to do with and for you. The others, less experienced in "mundane" medical situations will take up the second most important role.

Prevent Astarion from catastrophizing any more than he already has been.

Karlach has been the sole force capable of keeping Astarion away from the wine, typically bear hugging him away from your cellar while Wyll tries his best to talk your lover down from a total nervous breakdown. Of which he nearly has, several times. It's not even the sight of you, specifically. He's okay with being at your side and holding your hand, in trying his best to provide comforting words that aren't laced with sarcasm for once. But the sounds you make, that's what breaks him. Astarion isn't good at hearing you scream from the pain, he isn't good at the choked sobs or your heavy breaths. The way you sound like you're struggling against death. It makes him want to crawl out of his own skin, fight assailants that aren't there.

And for a few hours there, in the midst of your labors and your exhausted, pained little cries, Astarion isn't sure how he can love the child causing you this much suffering. It's not as if Astarion was an altruistic man on his best days, as if he were particularly reasonable when it came to you. You've both come to a mutual understanding that were something to happen to you, no morals would be involved in the things Astarion would do to rectify it.

And now, here you are, suffering. Astarion isn't supposed to do a thing about it? He's supposed to be- what, overjoyed by it? It infuriates him, he's truly prepared to have a grudge match with an infant.

Until, as the sun is starting to creep up on a brand new day, it's no longer your screams that meet the air, but another's entirely. Tiny but powerful, high pitched little squeals of fury and distress. And your laughter, disbelieving, soft, adoring already.

Astarion has a daughter.

I go with the HC that Astarion had eyes like honey once, and that his daughter takes after that, along with the delicate points of his ears mirrored in her own. She's small, so small, but healthy and already feisty, wiggling as best as her tiny body can whilst still too heavy for her to lift and move.

You're the first to hold her of course, and Astarion will be at his knees beside the two of you. The expression he wears is something you've seen maybe two or three other times in the entire time you've known him- moments when you know he expected everything to fall apart, moments where he couldn't believe that the world was so good.

It's then that you can breathe for the first time, and know that both of your darlings will be just fine.

Once he does hold her, he's not inclined to let her go. Even once you ask to have her back, he'll simply move you into his lap, so that he can hold you both. It's better that way anyhow, having both of his girls in his arms. And Astarion will repeat again and again how stunned he is, he just can't believe it. Cannot fathom any of it. I think he's the type to say that he's speechless and then spend the next five minutes doing nothing but talking. It's nervous rambling, but still, speechless is not the term I would use to describe him here.

Astarion With Your Baby:

Once your little darling is actually in your lives, you get to see how hilariously unorthodox Astarion is with children. Especially his own. Astarion doesn't baby-talk like you or the rest of your companions, he speaks in the same exact tones as he would a grown woman. In fact, for the first few days you're adjusting to a child in your life, you sometimes mistake Astarion as speaking with an unexpected guest, only to round the corner and find him lightheartedly chastising his own daughter for her poor nappy conduct as he wrinkles his nose and changes her diaper.

He's disgusted by that, by the way. Absolutely hates it, complains loudly about having to do it. But if you so much as try to stand to help he'll force you back down onto your chair or the couch, something something not useless something something already up, darling. It's as if Astarion is simply allergic to admitting that while it makes him nauseous, he wants to care for his daughter. He wants you to rest.

And yes, Astarion is the type of father that thinks all other children are hideous little fecal beasts and his daughter is the only gorgeous little angel in the entire world. Perfect, can do no wrong. He tells her as such too, in the same deadpan voice he always uses, wiggling and stretching her legs.

"You know, darling. You should count your blessings, you're the only child I've ever seen that doesn't look like some sort of hideous, deformed bean. I can't be surprised though, with as gorgeous as your parents are." And though he rolls his eyes, he's unable to contain the grin that shows his teeth when she coos and squeaks at the sound of his voice.

And yes. Astarion dresses up with his child.

The older she gets the more he does it, little matching outfits and ribbons. Nothing that she would choke on, were she to get her mitts on it. (You had to be the one to tell him no, at first. He did throw a little fit about it, just a small one).

But it's not all lighthearted, good or bad.

There are times where Astarion won't touch your daughter, won't be alone with her in the same room. He fears it, he'll eventually tell you. His... affliction came with it's dangers, always. But he's always trusted that you could defend yourself, and you're big enough that he can't just kill you between one blink and the next. The same can't be said of your darling girl. She's so small and so fragile that, were he to lose even the slightest grip of himself around her, it could cost her her life. No doubt it would traumatize her for life, regardless.

You watch it, too. The way it pinches his brows and makes him wipe his palms against his pants as if he were sweating. Nervous habits creeping up his throat and causing him to pace about like a caged animal. It's during these times that you have to bring your daughter to him. Gently place her in his arms and remind him that he's loved her from the moment he saw her. And where once he held trepidation and queasiness at the prospect of fatherhood, you can see him care so much about this little bundle that he looks sick from it. A vulnerability he can't mask.

And of course, there are times he nearly weeps for other reasons.

Like when she takes her first steps, and immediately tries to run for him.

And Astarion knows he should let her tumble, that it's good to let her fall and get back up again, but the moment her unsteady feet cause her to careen she's safe in his arms. Little kisses peppered against her giggly face. And he'll tuck away against her to try and get his bearings back, but she'll pat his cheeks and tug his ears- and you'll have to distract her with a toy while he hiccups and sniffles down his need to cry. He wasn't ready for her to grow so fast, gone is the tiny bundle that could fit perfectly in one arm, now she's walking. How long before she's dating? Gods, should he be preparing for betrothal requests!?

"I want to be mortal." He whispers to you, one night. She's tucked between your bodies, sound asleep and wiggling from time to time. This is one of the rare moments you and your love can speak to each other uninterrupted, in the tranquility of the dark hugging around you.

It's strange that he brings this up now, you'd spoken about it several times since the Elder Brain had been taken down... But in the past few years since your daughter had been born, all of that had fallen to the wayside. "What brings this to mind, Starling?"

Your hand comes to cup his throat, as you watch and feel him work as if he were swallowing a stone. "I don't want to outlive this."

It's hard to blink the tears from your eyes, understanding the implications.

Were he actually two hundred years old, Astarion wouldn't survive well past the existence of his sweet little family.

He'd been more melancholy the past few weeks, after realizing that your daughter was beginning to function on her own. She was walking, grabbing things, talking in rudimentary sentences. She was even beginning to call him pa.

He'd cried, at that.

"I'll forget," his voice draws you out from that brief reverie. The distress is palpable, but runs low like the tide before a storm. "I'll forget all of this. I don't want to know what I'll become, then."

And when you run your hands up into his hair, to scratch lovingly along his scalp, he doesn't hide the shiver or the way his face presses against your palm, cold and smooth on your skin.

"We'll find a way, Astarion. I haven't given up yet... We just- she's too young."

It's both a strain and a relief, to know that. To be reminded that your daughter is still so small, that he won't be losing her- or you- any time soon. There's still time.

Astarion With Your Teen:

Arguably this is the best time between your daughter and him. It's simultaneously a surprise and yet- not at all? He's more like her confidante and best friend than strictly a father. He isn't one for harsh curfews and strict ways of dress- rather, he's the one she comes to when she's made some sort of mistake. Or when she's angry about something.

In general, Astarion withholds judgement of her, for better or worse. The unintended consequence is that you might become more of her enemy than Astarion, because he's less inclined to punish for questionable behaviors.

It's not that he's afraid of angering her or dealing with push back- rather that Astarion's frame of reference for what constitutes a mistake is ah... rather broken. Even in the beginnings of your relationship with Astarion, the mistakes that would anger him constituted dropping an entire building on his head or... risking being turned into a Mindflayer to help some old lady find her cat.

Not feeling up cute boys in alleyways.

As a result you'll likely need to have a few conversations with him about not being so lenient on her, because she needs to have structure in how to behave. Stealing things is in fact, not okay! And Astarion will listen, but he's always going to be a bit more of a friend than anything else.

A total gossip with her, too. You'll catch them huddled around the dinner table at night, both with a glass of wine (this was an argument that Astarion ended up winning, she's allowed one glass a week, but that's all!) in hand shittalking a storm together. Astarion has become the Baldur's Gate equivalent of a PTA mom, he shows up as stylishly as he can and beefs with the parents of whichever children have upset his daughter the most. And then when they get home they just toss it back and forth together.

But I want to stress, just because he doesn't punish her doesn't mean he isn't protective of her. Astarion is more protective than you are.

Once she begins dating you'll find yourself home alone semi-frequently, because Astarion will play the supportive, loving father part when she leaves- and immediately follow her out into the dark. He's had centuries to know what dangers lurk around every corner, and foggy memories of simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time before his nightmare began. He won't allow that to happen with his girl.

And it's funny, because Astarion will talk mad shit to himself while he does it. Logically he knows that she's with some teenage boy or girl, but it doesn't stop the petty, emotional side of him from rolling his eyes and sneering at the cheap one-liners and the dumb tactics that this would-be charmer utilizes. Really, taking her into dark alleys to get her to tuck into you? Going to a totally secret spot that Astarion has known about for at least a hundred and sixty years? Get real, kid.

And you have to try valiantly not to laugh when he comes home, huffing and puffing about it. Because you will hear every single petty thought he had the entire time, and you will know that he looks like a petulant child. It's very cute.

All in all, I think Astarion is a reckless, chaotic, petty father. And one that loves his child so, so much. To the point of ruin, to the point where suddenly staying in one place doesn't seem so bad, just so she can have friends. Helping people isn't the worst, just so she can know there are heroes in the world. Suddenly he's learning to bandage scrapes and kiss bruises, and having tears and snot on his clothes mean nothing compared to the grief of the one shedding them. He loves her in ways he didn't anticipate he ever could. Enough to know all of her ticks and secrets, to know when she's lying through her teeth and when she's being devastatingly obvious.

Learning to cook even when he can't eat, listening to her spin a story with a straight face and then- as she's stepping out the door- telling her to be careful with that boy and listening to her groan loudly as the door slams shut, a mischievous smile on his face.

Holding you and dancing you around, cradling you close with all the tenderness he has in the whole of his body and soul. Kissing you, calling you the mother of his child, thanking you for giving him something he didn't even know he'd wanted. A family.

Small and odd, but his.

[campbyler]

mmm what the fuck?

how am i supposed to live like a normal functioning person after experiencing the full range of human and Inhuman emotions?

thea i love u i promise but i also want to kill u in the most cruel way possible.

i was trying to read 32k words one hour before the work and failed Miserably 😭 i only get through driving lesson part. can u believe i had to do actual work the entire day instead of reading my gay fanfiction? 💔heartbreaking misogynistic And homophobic if u ask me.

anyway. i know im going to forget something. it always happens and then im too shy to send other asks so let hope it doesn’t happen this time.

driving lesson.

don’t worry about ur manual transmission description. i’ve changed three instructors in the span of year and a half and all three of them told me different things. i didn’t notice any Big Serious issues that would be at odds with driving mechanic.

to the other news. will sucks 😭😭 not his fault Obviously. he’s naturally anxious and tbh mike didn’t give him any hints about how to feel when the car is ready to go. not mikes fault too. i bet he doesn’t even think about this little thing anymore (and cause u don’t know about them either. which is ok don’t worry about it. u probably just need to experience it ti fully understand). i was so happy when will finally manage to get the car going 😭😭 i probably called him baby too.

and then i literally passed out when i saw the mike called Him baby?? first will’s brain in denial made me questioning was it really for him or for the car. cause mike Loves that car i wouldn’t be surprised if he really call it baby from time to time. but then i remembered that we know how mike feels thanks god and i became like 85% sure that it was for will. (i also Run to check playlist right after this line. yeah i found “king of my heart” there. u make the impossible possible cause why am i listening to two of my least favorite reputation songs and genuinely enjoy them?)

i mentally add the keychains to the list of things we need to know more about. but i think it’s cute that they both not only save them but also use them almost daily. and they both choose car keys to hang the keychains on. dare i say soulmates.

*two weeks later*

also i think it’s funny they consider each other hot while driving.

and of course mike is obsessed with old expensive cars!!

are the malls in the us exactly dying? my office building is near the mall and i can guarantee u that in my country they r super alive.

ok i might be wrong but i think that the deleted scene is from bookstore part idk.

i think it’s cute that they trust each other enough to allow to choose as significant item as journals concerning that they really picky about them.

and i loved that mike blushed over a simple kiss 🫶🏻🫶🏻

(i feel like i want to catch up on everything and it’s killing me cause i write down one thing and immediately remember the other 😭)

THEY WERE SO BOYFRIENDS IN DINER!!! i don’t think i will ever recover from how cute they r and how much they actually like each other (and how single i am. as the classic said “when someone will prey on my neurodivergency….” and so on and so forth). i love that everyone can see it and im obsessed that boys don’t even want to deny it. i think a lot about the fact that mike said that they middle school sweethearts like he regrets about the missed opportunities (but also he doesn’t regret cause the thing they have now (at this exact moment. cause i still have bad feeling) is like that Because of years of semi-friendship and rivalry and unsaid confessions).

and i think even more about the fact that mike didn’t want to talk about his pretentious ivy league college. squinting so hard and taking a lot of notes (in fact writing paragraphs of analysis to my friends who has no idea what acswy).

the photobooth scene!!! omg i can’t believe u almost deleted it all??? suni is our hero! lots of hugs and kisses and thanks to them!!

i can’t believe mike talked about showing pictures to their friends in one minute and literally kissing will on them in the other. i love them they r so silly and in love and can’t get enough of each other. u can feel how close they become and that the air is thick with the newfound (and rediscovered) feelings. and they can’t live without touching and the hold hands constantly!!! all day long!!! and it’s not enough!!! and oh. i think it wasn’t the last time we saw pictures (squinting even harder).

the way max immediately cut the bullshit and asked about swearshirt. i need to know what lucas wrote to mike.

he likes him!!!

i love the difference between mikes “i know i like him but i won’t do anything about it” and wills “i need to kiss him to death right now!”

and the kiss on the backseat of mikes stupid mustang!! we were all waiting for it!

i think i reread and memorized the last part and in still shaking whenever i think about “nervous” part. mike makes will nervous!! and he makes him shake and do stupid stuff like kissing and blushing and thinking to add heart next to his name and call him his boyfriend!!! omg!!

“I’ve got you, baby” WHO WILL GET ME??? im the one who is going insane??? it’s so tender. my boys 💔💔💔

(the second time. my eyes r hurting from squinting that much. and i feel like we’ll have “el’s not stupid” kind of scene in the flashbacks)

this character hits so hard!! i’ve never doubted any of u but i can see why this one is one of ur favorite thea!

thank u so much for ur hard work. if i could draw i would to the whole ass animation of this chapter (and any other too).

love u. thank u for reading all this rambling

mmm what the fuck is RIGHT alya bc this is how i feel every time i read one of ur lovely essay comments. bc whaqt the fuck. why do u want me to CRY ALL THE TIME. (i guess it's fair considering we are making u cry with the fic itself but still . Rude)

you are so real for trying to read 32k in one hour and also so me . rly fucked up and cruel that you would have to work (even tho u threatened to murder me)...i hope you are freed from these perils Soon. don't ever be too shy to send more asks tho every ask from you is a BLESSING and a TREAT!!! EVEN WHENTHEY ARE LACED W THREATS!!!!!!!!!!!! and also tysm for validating my manual driving lesson description bc fr every video i watched was different and i was so stressed but it's FINE. ALYA SIGNED OFF ON IT SO NO ONE ELSE MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEAL W IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! will Does suck and that's one thing we can all agree on 💗💗💗 i was going to include a bit about likee what the engine Sounds like bc i know it sounds different when you're ready to switch gears but honest tbhly the driving scene alone is like 12k and i was super losing steam by the time i thought of it so i didn't <3 he is def a baby and mike def refers to his car as baby so he is right to be confused. but it WAS for him!! we actually aren't 100% sure of mike's feelings Yet (ch08 is meant to be the precipice of a realization, not an actual one) but obviously . we do have a pretty good idea of how he does feel. teehee. also i am glad you are enjoying komh now bc wtf......how is it one of your least faves................i support you but i am also judging u a little alya .

i think keychains will be included in one of the companions :o) also OBVIOUSLY they find each other hot while driving. they're both annoying and down bad 🙄🙄

malls here are super dying!! i think the only ones that aren't are ones in Major Cities (there's two nearby me that are pretty popular, but the other ones are mostly closed, and it's definitely been a phenomenon in the us over the last few years thanks to online shopping)!! the deleted scene is actually from the driving scene, but the bookstore scene Feels shorter bc i was truly at the point where i had nothing left to give when writing it (it was the last part of ch09 to be written), so it definitely suffered from that. if we ever do Huge post-mortem edits once acswy is over, i might go back and add to it, or write a deleted-scene-type companion, but tht's the tea w the bookstore scene <3

the diner scene was SOOOO fun to write and it had me blushing frfr. i answered this in another ask but the middle school sweethearts comment was Definitely the most insane thing that i thought of for this chapter and to me it was for sure the nail in the coffin for will of like damn. ok. he's Serious abt this. bc i think with their #history that will has trouble admitting even to himself that he likes mike, and so he'd need to feel pretty certain of how mike feels first, and after processing the middle school sweethearts comment later in the car that's what made him realize like oh damn. i Do like him. SO MUCH. and we all nodded and patted his back and said yeah baby we know. but what you described mike thinking is absolutely exactly how he feels 💗 very reminiscent and wistful, even.

LOL LITERALLY THIS HAS BEEN A UNANIMOUS COMMENT ACROSS THE BOARD OF "THANK GOD FOR SUNI" (INCLUDING MYSELF). to Explain the way i was feeling about it -- i did not initially mean to have that be a Spicy make out moment! it was supposed to read more along the lines of the thrift store scene, or even the kiss after will finished driving the mustang, so very sweet and soft and Romantic. it just didn't come out that way once i was actually writing it, and so i was nervous that i was toeing the line too heavily, or tht it was out of place with the rest of the vibe i had constructed for the chapter. a combination of suni (and abby, who got early access and acted as our second beta) being adamant that it Did fit and worked well, and me being too pressed for time/not having enough energy to rewrite that saved it from the deleted scene graveyard <3 thank god fr. they are both so fucking stupid.

the entiiiiire realization scene up from will realizing he likes mike to the very end of the chapter is my favorite thing that i have ever written i think 💗 i am just so happy with the way it turned out, especially with it being at the point in the fic that it's at!! it felt rly right for will :') also mike calling him baby!!! that was such a last minute decision but i'm so glad i went for it!! the original line was "i've got you, yeah?" but baby hit So much harder so shout out to editing thea for making that change 🤸 will wants to add a heart next to mike's name in his phone SOOOO BAD!!! WHEN WILL HE GET TO!!!!!!!!!!!

your second ask SO TRUE SO REAL. TEEHEE AND MWAHA AND SO ON AND SO FORTH. also you're so right jonathan is so fucked up for stealing steve from will like that 🙄

tytyty as always for your novel length comment alya 💗 really and genuinely and truthfully the thought of getting to read ur reactions is one of the most exciting parts of uploading a chapter!! i eagerly await all of ur other reactions <3333

[thekingofthenameless]

Day 4: Market Day

Length: 668 words

Cws/Tws: subtle allusions to a past kidnapping and a traumatic event happening while captive, and threatening another character, who wasn’t kidnapped’s, safety

Idk why this one is so short sorry 😭

I also just skipped. Going to the market because I didn’t really want to write it lol

Merlin:

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” He turns to look at his son, who’s all concern and gentleness, who tries to smile at him even if it doesn’t meet his eyes, who’s been nothing but comforting this whole time. “I know,” he quietly responds. “But what good is Myrddin Wylt if he can’t go to a market and get a few things?” What good am I? He doesn’t say, but they both know. Charlie comes up beside him, stopping in front of him before turning his head, lowering it to gently nuzzle his chest. He looks down into his eyes, still glowing faintly since the sun hasn’t risen yet. “This does not define your worth. You know that.” He nods, because he does, he does, but how is he supposed to function as the God of Magic, the God of Justice, when he’s terrified of mingling with mortals? “I can’t fulfill my duties if I’m scared of something as simple as this. I have to get over it.” Charlie simply stares at him, clearly seeing his words, or this situation, maybe, as utter bullshit even though the gentleness remains and he stays where he is. “You wouldn’t say that about other people,” he answers, and it’s a statement, not a question. And his son is right, but it doesn’t apply to him. He was an idiot, whose rationality went out the window when- when they captured him, manipulated him into believing they had Charlie after accusing them both of things that still make him either want to cry or vomit, when he agreed to be… ruined to protect his child and they still threatened him the whole time. And they didn’t even have him, in the end. He should’ve known they wouldn’t be able to capture his son, since he was out hunting, since he’s far too big for anyone to be able to bring him to that godsforsaken dungeon, but he panicked, he fucking panicked, and now they’re both dealing with the fallout even though he was trying to keep him safe. He’s already a failure of a father, of a god (but not a brother or son, since they don’t know what happened. They’ll never know.) He can’t do something as pathetic as be scared of going to a market. He finally realizes he didn’t respond to Charlie, staring at the wall instead of meeting his gaze. “There shouldn’t be anything… to remind me,” he finally murmurs, and his child hums in his mind but doesn’t say anything else. He still stays, soft breaths hitting his chest, gentle gaze remaining on him. He knows Charlie will be fine if he decides to stay home (maybe his son even wants him to, worried he’s pushing himself, but he has to get over himself, get over this), but he can’t back down now. He embraces his son, glad his head is lowered, wrapping his left arm around his muzzle, hand resting over his maw, right arm sliding under his chin. He rests his own chin on his muzzle, cheek pressing against it. Charlie begins purring loudly as he looks up into his eyes, and this is how he can prove himself, make his son worry a little less, be slightly less of a failing father. “I can do this,” he promises. “If you feel the slightest bit of discomfort, we’re coming back immediately,” his son replies, nuzzling him one more time before pulling away and shapeshifting into his cat form. He kneels to pick him up, and Charlie climbs onto his shoulders, lying across them like whenever he has to be in this form, and for a moment everything almost feels back to normal, as though the dungeon never happened. He hopes the feeling becomes more common once more time passes, once he can convince himself that they’re truly dead, once it’s been long enough for Silkmoor to fade into a memory. He’ll be fine, in the end. He has to be.

Taglist: @gaylightisminetocommand, @the-arson-author-gamer

[rinhaler]

Hi! Quick question - HOW am I supposed to act like a normal functioning person when my brain is nothing but thoughts of plug!Sukuna forcing me to squirt for him on camera now??? 😭

hi great question nonnie!! u dont, hope that helps 💖

[rui-drawsbox]

Hello again, it’s me: the menace of your inbox 😎✨🤠✨🐊✨

for curtesies sake I’ll add a read more after I write one sentence of explanation.

I’m too busy to write a fic rn but the brain worms are so intense for Magical Girl Arashi that I will instead write an outline.

I’ll probably try to write em in an episodic fashion cuz like, magical girl anime :D:D✨✨✨

Cool so episode one should serve about three functions.

show how arashi gets her powers

establish the setting and foreshadow future characters

Get the view acquainted with the tone

so here’s how I’d go about it 🥰

Scene one:

Arashi should be in class

its a normal day

a new kid joins the class, it’s Mika

she notes that there’s something odd about him but like, in a comedic way that the audience won’t initially pick up on

he shouldn’t notice her at this point, she’s still a normal girl (still a queen, slay Fr I love her)

However he doesn’t make any friends for most of class and his introduction sounded like a robotic script, also he’s sitting alone, poor murderous baby 😭

anyways she, being the queen that she is, decides to talk to him after class and she gets a whole conversation with him

He doesn’t show it very well but he is happy to have a friend and offers her a bear charm instead of actually confirming that they’re friends (he’s real standoffish at this point so think how he acted to Anzu at first in the first game but like, a bit more tame) (cuz he ain’t allowed to really have friends, he’s just supposed to keep up appearances while Shu finds what he’s after)

School goes on, Arashi has lunch with Ritsu and Leo, we get a passing convo about them going to karaoke later, Leo laments that Izumi won’t go with them and the other two just kind of give him a sad look ig. Cuz he hasn’t gone with them in a really long time cuz he’s “busy” and “not interested in childish things right now” “too much work with ballet” (he’s lying💀✨. We’ll get to that later, I am having numerous thoughts)

School goes on once again and the day ends. Arashi walks home with her friends and they all go their separate ways.

while she is walking alone she hears this awful screeching sound, like a cat that’s super upset. So she, as any good cat mom would, follows it.

she finds a little kitty that’s being chased by these creepy looking Victorian dolls. They have golden strings attached to their feet that seem to trail on the ground as they walk. She doesn’t take much note of them tho. She’s too busy grabbing that cat and getting the hell out of there.

so she takes the cat back to her house and checks the poor baby for injuries. Thankfully the kitty is fine. However, things get a bit funky. (Magic cat.)

The cat puts a paw on her chest (like between her collar bones) and a little jewel mark appears there. Arashi is obviously very confused and concerned but the cat just purrs and meows at her.

She starts questioning the cat but like, ma’am despite the magic, that cat don’t talk. That cat meows, screams, and imitates barking noises to scare other cats. Fucking creature tbh. I love this cat.

also arashi is in her room on her bed btw, and there should be big windows by her bed, also she is on the ground floor. This is important.

so after a few minutes of questioning and getting meows for yes and shaken heads for no, the cat starts yowling and screaming and growling. So arashi is obviously very concerned.

There’s a thump on her window, the cat gets even louder.

she looks out and sees a… doll? Maybe a mannequin? It certainly looks large enough to be a mannequin. Huh, it has more of those gold strings. It’s beating on her window. Huh, wait, why is the window sliding open, FUCK!

Arashi grabs the cat and bolts while this mannequin chases her through the house. She does the smart thing and tries to call the police, there’s no response cuz the lines been cut and the service on her cell phone is out.

She tries to leave the house but each exit is being stalked by a different mannequin. So she runs to the bathroom to lock the door and hide.

(She tried to snap a photo of one of the mannequins btw, just in case she needed proof but when she looks at it later the photo will be obscured and unrecognizable so sucks to suck lmao 💀)

The cat gestures to the gem mark on her chest and tries to communicate with her to touch the mark. She does as the cat communicates and then she transforms. She gazes into the vast universe (the background from your art of her in her super magical girl form) and she sees a sword, a really pretty, majestic sword. She grasps the handle and her transformation starts.

anyways she doesn’t kickass yet, I’m sorry girlboss enjoyers, she ain’t a fighter yet, but she’s real strong and has the urge to kill to defend this kitty. So she wins, but just barely.

She also manages to avoid destroying her house in the process. So good for her. If the house was beaten up when her parents got home they would’ve had a fit.

Anyways the episode ends with her relooking all the doors and windows to her house and wondering what she got herself into with this cat. But the cat is cute so she doesn’t care. Also yes it is her cat from enstars. I love her cat so much.

That’s what I have for a possible episode one for this. I’ve got more ideas but I don’t have time rn. I’ll be back. My Izumi ideas are going crazy rn tbh. I’m gonna have a lot of fun implementing him lmao.

Also hi Rui, I hope you’re having a good day/night :D:D✨✨

my dude is your brain powered by the fukin sun or you are just a genius

anyways i can't possibly add anything to your outline. It's perfect. It was so good that even made me want to animate it and i went to search tutorials to the page i was going to use for my studies this year, and found out it was a scam HAHA

Local high school girl adopts transferred silly man

also what do you think about Arashi, Leo and Ritsu (and sometimes Izumi?) doing dance covers every now and then, i think it would be a good excuse for when she has to outrun the dolls(?)

fuck the twelve principles of animation, all my homies don't know what they're doing

ngl it would be a pretty horrific scenario to be in, lucky she😊!

also have you considered Arashi not knowing how the fuck a sword is used outside movies (and bc those dolls certanly look hard to break lol) and in the dispair uses it like a mf hammer? especially bc it's a real technique and it looks funny

anyways, stars from stock wallpaper, my beloveds

dont tell i dont know how to draw weapons i already know jsfhdkas

And Arashi just 'brushing' all that happend bc the cat is cute is the most magical-shoujo-protagonist thing that she could do lol

anyways im actually more motivated to animate than ever! my friend you just did the perfect first chapter for a series like that ajfads

good night my fellow AU enjoyer! Rui out! *explodes*

[donnerpartyofone]

Not to be mean but people who don't feel love terrify me. Someone I really loved recently used me and threw me away then blankly said they didn't think I'd be that hurt by it when I was literally suicidal. So maybe just being honest up front rather than constantly pretending is better?? But I don't know.... Also like....I feel as if people have this sensationalized idea of what love and connection is supposed to be and when it's not exactly like a Disney movie they basically assign themselves as being totally emotionally and socially inept. Like, my loved ones annoy me but I couldn't possibly imagine not at least passively caring about the people in my life that contribute to my survival like even on a rational level it makes no sense to have ZERO response at all to that person possibly being harmed or going away. Even the sense of love you have for yourself and recognition of that, how can people not recognize that someone else also feels pain and suffers and that it does affect you even if you don't personally give a shit? Like, it affects you even in the basic design that people will think you're a shitty person if you don't even care in a rational sense or that you also might suffer under the justification? How can you function totally ignoring that each person deserves a right to life and happiness just like you do? Like idk this entire thing is just horrifying to me and makes no sense and I'm sorry if this seems like an ignorant response like I am ignorant bc I genuinely don't get it but I just wish people could feel emotions as deeply as I do and I wasn't just constantly suffering because people who don't love anyone but themselves want everyone to bend over backwards for them when they won't do it for anyone else -_- like yeah I'm sure parents also don't want to be nice all the time but they do anyway....just like everyone ever. That doesn't mean they don't love you.....it means they're human...and im sure the same is true about the kid in question....idk I guess im just a horrible person. I have to pretend to not be suffering when I feel extreme emotions so I just won't be convinced that pretending to care when you don't is worse than having to pretend not to care at all when you're exploding inside :/ idk.....I know I sound like an asshole sorry im not trying to argue I'm just throwing my two cents in where no one asked 😭💔

Sorry if I'm not reading you very well but I'm not sure if you are responding more to my description of the Reddit situation, or my description of my life.

If it's the latter, I think if you re-read my (now pinned) post you will find that I do experience compassion and sympathy and love for people, even for people I don't like; it's just that I have a really different emotional vocabulary than most people and it forces me to like translate myself all the time to make sure "normal" people feel cared for, and all I'm saying is that it makes me have to be very deliberate in my relationships where most people can just be reactive, it seems.

If it's the former, I don't really know what to tell you. Neither of us knows that person or what their whole context is. It seems to me that that person felt very conflicted and alienated by their lack of emotional access, which is pitiable. That person's parents are pitiable, too. Sounds like the Redditor has persisted in faking it, and was just venting their feelings on Reddit instead of taking it out on their family. What else can they do? Personally I feel sorry for anyone whose emotional dysfunction or deviation makes their relationship to the world hard. But you don't HAVE TO feel sorry for anyone, it's up to you and your philosophy.

One important fact is, you don't have to be involved with anyone you can't understand or sympathize with. I'm very sorry to hear you were abused. That's not fair and it shouldn't happen. It has happened to me too, and part of the reason is that my own emotional register is a little "weird" and I couldn't tell that someone was hurting me on purpose until it was too late, I thought we were just "having problems". That kind of thing sucks and no one deserves it. But the hope is that you learn from your experience and curate your company a little more safely. (NOT that it was your fault AT ALL, just that we can't control anything but our own choices) Hopefully we can move past obsessing over why people are assholes, or even evil, and gravitate toward healthier social situations in the future. If someone truly has no feelings or is sadistic, judging and worrying doesn't really improve that situation, frankly.

Finally I would pick on something that you noted about how self-love should provide a basis of comparison for how to treat others. That's actually kinda part of the problem, in my layperson's opinion. When I was in abuse situations, it eventually became clear that the abusive person is acting that way because they don't feel enough self-love--which is different from *acting selfish*. The abuser feels insufficient somehow, unlovable, and they're trying to get other people to "fix" their feelings for them. You know, my ex-boyfriend came at me with all this "I'm sad and wounded and only the love of a pure-hearted woman can fix me", and then when my freely-given love did NOT fix him, he decided everything about himself was my fault and I deserved every bad thing he did to me. I've had platonic friends like that too, who made their own happiness everyone else's responsibility and this allowed them to be total assholes to everyone. So like yeah, as cliche as it sounds, people who experience genuine self-love are usually NOT the same people who treat others poorly; assholes are very often turning dissatisfaction with themselves inside out, even though it may not look or feel that way to you and me.

But yeah if you're really just irked by the notion of sociopathy, where someone theoretically just feels nothing for others at all...there's just not too much you can do about that except try to stay away from them if at all possible.

[daz4i]

oh wait btw another life update (talk of medical shit under the cut) (it's not too graphic or anything but jic) (it's not good tho) (and it's p long)

so 🥲 if you saw my post abt it. i did like a pre-test thing, to see if i even can do a certain test, and that. did not work. so i can't do this test i was prescribed to see if i have crohn's. the doctor gave me like a referral for a stomach mri but due to health insurance stuff they might just say no (bc they normally don't accept it for ppl over 18, unless it's an emergency ig bc i do remember getting one when i was in the hospital to eh) and i'll have to pay a bunch to possibly get another negative answer 😭 not like i have any other options left tho. he did give me some other tests + blood test to see if i have celiac or if there are other signs of some internal inflammation so. ig we'll see.

but the actually extremely bad part is 🥲 he said i mustn't take ibuprofen bc it can harm your intestines esp if you already have a disease there. so. given how that's the only painkiller that actually given me relief. idk how i'm supposed to do even the most basic functioning when my pains get too bad to move (which, esp now due to my heightened stress from the war, happens way more often). i mostly want an official diagnosis for literally anything so i can at least get prescribed smth for the pain alone fr 😭😭😭😭😭

um on a more positive note. my recovery program thingie was approved! starts next week. social worker coming over on wednesday. and. i am very stressed. bc i don't feel ready yet. and the idea that now i can't even take any painkiller means i don't quite know how i'm supposed to start doing the whole functioning thing (mainly they really want me to start going outside i think, esp on my own which i. can't. but i mean ig that's what they're there for. i just hope they don't get tired of me esp since i'm not in therapy) while in excruciating pain. so good fucking luck to me lmao 💔

[stormyoceans]

The way i am crying, shaking, throwing up at the mere probability that the trailer might drop tomorrow when i've been waiting for it for months. Nah because i might as well take tomorrow off work for this, i won't be able to function 😭

THE WAY I CONVINCED MYSELF THAT THE TRAILER WOULD DROP EITHER ON THE 23rd OR THE 30th (just from previous patterns and stuff) THAT I SIMPLY REFUSED TO EVEN CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY OF IT GETTING RELEASED SOONER BUT NOW IM SITTING HERE SHAKING HYPERVENTILATING CLAWING AT MY FACE LIKE. WHAT IF IT'S ACTUALLY TOMORROW

and even if it's not tomorrow it's gonna be SOON and i resent GMMTV for releasing trailers and holding important events during the work week because any day now we'll be innocently checking our phones during a break and the last twilight trailer is just. gonna be THERE. with no previous warning. AND HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL ABOUT THAT LIKE THIS IS OUR SUPER BOWL OUR ROYAL RUMBLE OUR GRAND SLAM OUR WHATEVER THE GOLF EQUIVALENT IS WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR IT FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW WE CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO BE CALM

all this to say that if the trailer drops and then y'all hear about an italian lady having to be heavily sedated and dragged out of her office and into a padded room on the news, don't worry that's me

[dvar-trek]

wip weekend

everything's fine i am just having multiple consecutive hell weeks at work it's fine. anyway, here's 87 pictures of what i've been up to.

mitts: bizarre problem encountered when i got to the end of the first mitt. pattern said to pick up stitches along the cast-on edge and use the three-needle bind off to join the edges, but drop 8 of the picked up stitches for the thumb hole. and then.... never says what to do with the yarn from those dropped stitches.

sent it to my cousin, the family's reigning pattern queen, who agreed that there's just. a step missing from this pattern or something. so i cast off as normal, and i'm going to block them flat and seam them.

behold! mitts!

i do desperately want to know what i was SUPPOSED to do though. after many experiments, this is the closest thing i could come up with, and it involved 3 working yarns, 4 needles, and 6 ends to weave in (plus more when i add the wrist strap on the real thing).

and the resulting hole seems.... not that stable ? the white tail that emerges from the thumbhole really REALLY wants to let loose and unravel.

now taking suggestions for 3N BO that leaves a functional thumbhole, if any of you are so inclined. i so dearly want to know what the designer had in mind.

bag: hurts my hands 😭

i might be stuck knitting flat for the rest of my life tbh.... i'm going to try moving up a cable length (16" to 20") to see if that helps at all, but it's been a significant strain on my grip and wrists so far. not as bad as on DPNs, but. not good. also not loving this yarn. i'm using Lamb's Pride bulky in Prairie Fire, which is a great color, but the yarn itself is sooooo slippery and splits sooooo easily that it's not really. the most fun i've ever had. switching from rosewood tips to bamboo tips helped a bit in this case, but. we'll see!

slippers: i started these at my dad's house, and finished them this past week.

i used Lang Snowflake in 1072.0087 (aka pink) and the pair took less than the full skein. had to restart twice because i wasnt compensating enough for my tiny stitches. ultimately CO 42 st, including 3 st garter border on either side. with so many stitches, i split the decreases into 3 rows (one row of k1, k2tog and 2 rows of k2tog. straps are 4 st across.) (<- boring notes for future nyx that could go on ravelry, but i don't have the patience for that).

very happy with the finished slippers! they came out a little long—if i make another pair in the future, i'll have to go down a half to a quarter inch—but they're warm and cozy, and the straps keep them from falling.

ALSO! this week at work was a conference week, so while listening to speakers i got a fair amount of knitting in. i wasn't the only one knitting, but i still fielded sO many judgemental questions and comments about my slippers.

a few of my favorite students want to learn to knit now though, so i might be starting a weekly lunch series with them! they spend so much time in class, and hopefully being able to knit during lectures will keep them from a) falling asleep and b) going on twitter. currently brainstorming how to execute this, but cautiously excited about the possibility.

just started: an experiment combining two patterns.

if it works out, i'd like to use it on what's left of the yarn i made the mitts with.

bonus content:

comrade boris is ready to be adopted! tell all your friends!

[ram-de]

sit and settle

As it turns out, waiting for an important meeting with my supervisor is madly anxiety-inducing. Okay, maybe not that bad. Just, nerve wracking leaning heavily on the heart-thumping madly kind of side. I'm... I don't know. I guess it's because I'm not used to it. The previous students before me took a long time. And it made me well, think about how mine doesn't take long. Mostly because it doesn't happened often but... Oh well. I figured it'd be a little bit embarrassing (and shameful, actually) to show up with so little progress. I'm not taking this seriously, am I?

See. Um. I breathed heavily. I was tapping and my body screams uneasy. Less now since I'm writing about it. Ah... I'm scared about it. But even now I'm not thinking about the consequences. What will happen? Am I going to get scolded? Maybe it's what I needed?

Gosh... I'm so... There's this stray thoughts of me to run away. To just go to a bookstore and find a book instead. I want to walk away so bad. I'm thinking of excuses such as, "Oh I had something to do," or "I suddenly felt a bit unwell," or "I had family thing to sort out." which... Except being unwell to the nerve, the others aren't that true. I'd be lying. And... Lying is addictive. I know that very well so let's not start.

So, what do I do? Just scream. Just... Run away. Just... I don't know. I'm not sure. As I type, thoughts about it what should I tell him for my progress, or stuff like that pours like water. It's so easy for me to think like this. But at the same time it's also easy for me to not care any more less. I'm confused sometime. To be fair it's been an hour from the supposed scheduled meeting... But isn't it normal that stuff happens? Maybe. Hold on. A bit.

Maybe I'll stay until 12.00

Waiting is painful.

It's 12.05 now and I'm still here. So I guess a normal, healthy, functional session of discussion is around 30minutes or more. I'm anxious now. What do I do? Suffer. I guess.... WHAT DO I DO....

And now it's 12.30. I went downstairs and then back here again. Waiting. It's torture. I think I'll wait 15 more minutes and then I'll go. But then the waiting time will be a waste... Okay. That's true. But how long? How long will I wait? At this point I'm not even... Like, mad that I'm here. I guess. I guess I am, in a bit. But the thing is, I'm more so annoyed than anxious. Annoyed that I have to wait. Um. I guess what's annoyed me is that I'm not prepared. Like mentally. My goodness I'm so whiny💀 whatever. Okay. Okay.

12.45. Bottom line.

13.00 Okay we did it🤝 I'm not going to talk about it for now.

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BROOOO I'M SO SOCIALLY DEPRAVED ITS NOT FUNNY.... THE FIRST TIME I INTERACTED WITH A FELLOW STUDENTS FROM MY YEAR, same study... I got excited😭 like innocently excited. I know we're not close or anything but havinhg a super short talk is lord.... Even though I stuttered and like nervous and maybe talk a bit too fast and seemed like I want to walk scape. I... How did I survive without interaction for how many months outside family I don't know. Like generally most people aren't judgemental or mean and internally I know it's my own like insecurity and anxiety clouding my perception of people. Agh... I'm a bit happy. It's so creepy though, isn't it? But then again I'm. I don't know. Fuck. Its not even a whole 5 minutes and I've been thinking of why didn't I just get a grip and face people and smile and greet. It's so easy on paper but it's a whole wreckful of anxiety-inducing fear in practice. I'll maybe talk about this later since I'm having free college counseling.

[yellowraincoat]

Um,,, hey tumblr… so this is awkward, but you know that new streaming function no one asked for? Yeah, that one. I just can’t help but notice that the streaming section is where the explore/trending page used to be. You know, where you could like, search for new content? Yeah so, I guess my question is, where the FUCK did the normal search bar go??? How am I supposed to use this app now, what’s going on 😭😭😭

[rosyjuly]

Going into ur Groundhog Day au tag at work was the worst idea because “but now when seb sees lewis in the paddock before the drivers’ parade, all he can think of are the sounds that lewis made while seb fucked him hard and unforgiving. sounds that lewis will never remember making.”?????? BESTIE WHAT 😭🫠 how am I supposed to function for the rest of the day??? Going to have to take a sick day because I had a heart attack over this!!! God it’s TOO GOOD, you’re a genius, you’re a visionary, I would pay good money to listen to u speak on them

anon this is SO late i'm so sorry but i had to ruminate on it... anyways let's goooo (also i've forgotten that line and i'm here again like . well that is sure something)

if this fic ever came into fruition it'd deal with the whole falling-from-grace-at-ferrari thing but it saddens and infuriates me like nothing else so. let's focus on lewis instead. but he is also connected to it...

i think i've mentioned it before that after a couple of loops, seb starts feeling lost and hopeless -- he's reliving the same nightmare of doing everything in his power and still it never being enough. it's a fitting metaphor of his last few years where he's been driving a car that falls short on the technical side, where he makes mistakes that cost him titles, where he has been taking the blame alone.

and lewis can feel the resignation rolling off him in waves, has felt it even before the race so he goes to see him. this is probably before they first sleep together. he goes to seb's hotel room and seb's slumped in a chair, picking at his nails, barely even looking up at lewis.

“i hate seeing you like this,” lewis blurts out, because he does. he misses the fire from seb's eyes.

 “like what?” seb asks, his voice exhausted.

“sad. defeated.”

and seb looks him directly in the eye and says, because he has been thinking about it for what would be weeks in normal circumstances, “our happiness is directly dependent on the other’s downfall, lewis.”

[lieutenant-columbro]

WOAH ok i just finished watching mikey and nicky and! i am coping so well so completely normal! but i was wondering if you had any thoughts to share about the ending and why mikey didn’t let nicky in the house or at least tell him to run? i’m pretty sure that it was supposed to be a bitter betrayal or something like that, but mikey looked, to some extent, still really upset about it and like maybe there was some regret. just curious to hear your ideas! (i also know this is a columbo blog so feel free to ignore this ask, up to you!)

hehehehe another person who has experienced the TOTALLY normal 1976 classic film mikey and nicky, ofc i can go off about this

so, let's not forget that mikey was getting really fucking sick of nicky by that point. they've been fighting all night, nicky's broken mikey's watch that he valued immensely, and so on. all night he was urging the other gangsters to just get nicky's killing over with.

lastly, a lot of other people have explained this better than i can, but there's something to be said about the function of day and night as a symbol within the film. at night, no one is around, no one's watching, so mikey can express his genuine feelings to nicky more easily and without fear of reprimand. but when daytime comes, he has to go back home, he has to conform to the rules of the society he lives in. there's nothing he can do for nicky anymore. nicky's out in the light, he's exposed, and he's got nowhere to hide from everyone who's coming to get him. so he plays his last card and pleads once again for mikey's help. but what can he do? if he helps nicky he's going to be exposed too, both literally and metaphorically.

so that leads one to believe it was out of simple self-preservation that mikey turned nicky away. if other gangsters found out mikey was still sheltering nicky they'd probably kill him and his family too as punishment, an outcome which would be pretty shitty for everybody. i think he was absolutely conflicted about it, but all the anger and fear and frustration of that night led him to turn his back on nicky. he did still love him, but it was a dumb, heat-of-the-moment decision to protect himself instead of protecting nicky, and u can see how he realizes his mistake the moment he realizes nicky's dead, he's really gone. nicky was his last childhood friend, his last tether to the past, and now he's truly all alone.

idk there's so much u could say about this movie this is just a little bit of what i was thinking, i had to stop before i wrote a whole essay 😭 anyway thank you elaine may for making such a normal film girl ur amazing